Car alarms are a GOOD THING. We know this because all cars HAVE THEM. And all neighbours IGNORE them. Still, if you haven't got a cobra wrapped round your steering cloumn you're not much cop so obviously when my car did a dying swan within warranty, wimpering about its control unit I did all I could to get it all pampered and wired up again. Bless.

Actually, handy tip of the day, if a car alarm persists in your neighbourhood, and noone is dealing with it, just smash the side lights. Always works. please note I have never done this myself, but it's a fact passed on from my deep connections with the 999 fratenity (that's 3 nines before anyone mentions ice creams) obviously don't make a steaming fat fuss as you smash them in, do it discreetly.

Anyway, most car alarms deploy when someone tries to move the car without due permission (or keys) My car alarm, after undergoing some Incredible Hulkesque transformation in pouring rain, goes off WHILE THE CAR IS MOVING! How cool is that??! I drive along, lawfully because I own it, the rain starts and then all hell breaks loose. The alarm sounds, the hazard lights flash but I am still able to hurtle along at full pelt!

It's great! Except of course that people think I'm driving a stolen car with a crappy immobiliser (as I'm doing 80) and start to swerve in my way. highly annoying.

But it's OK because my car has a warranty unequalled in any scf-fi novel.

'Hi. Can I book my car in? Slight snag with alarm going off if it rains, and also I can't switch the fan off and my (fat) eyeballs are drying out more rapidly than a watering hole in the serengeti'

'So can we recreate this?'

'Um, well, yes if you start it up and pour a jet wash on it on the A414. This is the only recorded time it happened'

'OK. Is the windscreen leaking again?'

'Erm, hard to say, it's a while since I passed my rudimentary windscreen fitting course. Perhaps someone who works in your garage could take a look?'

'Is the alarm still going off?'

'Well no, I managed to stop the car, kick it a few times and all is well'

' OK. I will have to talk to someone'

'Right. About what? Wimbledon? That boring Boscastle place that keeps floodng? Or maybe my demonically possessed car?'

'Ring you back'

That was at 2pm. I'm still waiting. I think the '5 year' in the warranty ads refers to the time you'll be kept waiting for some technical assistance.

So if you see a brazen woman hurtling along with the alarms and lights going, please don't get your home made stinger out. It's only me.