The relief is indescribable.I can now tick off 2 major things on my worry list

1 Heaving my fat arse into my bridesmaid dress
2 My sons behaving at Coventry cathedral in their page boy morning suits.

The wedding went well. They did the deed, smiled, danced and seemed as you should when you've signed up for a joint life account. Yesterday morning was a frenzy of activity, I wanted to do bridesmaidy helpful things but ended up tearing around like a lunatic trying to get Charlie and Henry into their suits. This wasn't helped by the great nail glue disaster of the day before. I decided that stick on nails would be a good idea. But without boring you too much, when I found my left hand welded to the dressing table chair in my room, and stil with a right hand to stick nails to, I knew it was a reckless idea.

For a start, I felt that more is best and squirted glue merrily all over everywhere, As things progressed, I felt my hands harden, stiffen, no feeling in fingertips sort of thing. I tried to get it off with nail polish remover, soap, even hairspray. But this glue was no normal glue, it could weld a ship's hull together. I gingerly touched a glued nail to my face to see if it was fixed, and then realised I now had glue on my lips. Yet more crusting and tightening. As I ripped my hand from the chair, I had fluffy fingertips, sort of werewolfish as the chair was brown.Delighful. I spent the night before the wedding picking glue off my hands and wondering whether I could make money out of getting people to stub their fags out on me.

Fast forward to the actual wedding and my sons behaved better than I could have hoped. The cathedral is full of echo temptations, running and sliding challenges, but the only truly heart-stopping moment was when Henry meandered to the grand piano and I got to him just before he crashed into a rendition of toddler fists slap bang in the vows. I even managed to read a prayer without cocking things up, and apart from some flower confusion, all went well.

But as all parents know, these occasions are stressful with kids. In the speeches Charlie decided that not being able to locate his new cufflinks was the end of the world and loitered round the top table. He wasn't noisy, but a sharp look from the groom sent an elbow from me into Doug's ribs and Charlie and Henry were removed.

I drove back, following Mr PR, through yet more driving rain. I decided to stop and get some water. I quite forgot that I was still in the dress, with flowers in my hair etc and couldn't understand the stares. Perhaps they though I was the runaway bridesmaid.

The highlight of the day for me though, aside from seeing Katy get hitched, was having my make-up done by a professional. For some reason I was nervous, and this manifested itself in me closing my eyes when told to open them and vice versa. But with her tickly brushes and brisk efficiency she cracked on anyway.

'What do you normally wear?'

'Well, I like gold on my eyes, black mascara and lippy - that's about it'

'Yes well I think pinks for the eyes, and a few other things besides'

So I've spent 39 years thinking gold was good, and all the time should have been into pink. I asked her where blusher should go, because i had heard that sucking in the cheeks was the way to do it but it still made me look like Anut Sal from Worzel gummidge.

'oh no, that's very 80's' (ouch)

I sat there and was very happily surpised 15 minutes later when I looked in the mirror and looked glam. Then my hair was done and it was a frenzy of grips and hairspray (hence the Russell Brand look this morning), but, again, very glam.

And then I did battle with the underwear. I won't divulge whether I went commando or not - wouldn't be decent. let's just say I did what felt right at the time...

Charlie wanted to dance, so after he and Henry threw some shapes and then some sweets (followed by stones in the carpark) we packed up and came home. My dress looks as if it's been worn in a military training weekend on Dartmoor, but the silver shoes are still lush and fabulous (if a little drag queen as pointed out by someone who knows)

Today we decided to see if it's worth going to Kefalonia since it is still ablaze. Fatally we asked the travel agent again.

'Yeah. should be ok'

So that's that. We're off. I'm taking some precautionary kit with me, breathing apparatus, flash hoods for the kids, fireboots for all of us, and of course, my pre-prepared getting off the plane and talking to Sky news after our evacuation.

'It was hell, like a warzone. Just relieved to be home'

Always best to be prepared don't you think?