wotnopeoplecarrier

For most elderly people,the gap between xmas and new year is a good opportunity to have a nice sit down at the local GPs and bore everyone senseless with the latest bunion complications (gout usually) December and January are peak times for popping off, it's true, ask your local undertaker and they'll do a kind of gleeful and mournful grin which means oh yes baby business is booming once everyone's 'hung on for xmas' So doctors shift with sheer boredom in the twilight working days between xmas and yet another year to get through, while the elderly (who may pop off) ramble on about 'this chest doc'

I joined in this morning. Oh yes. And the excitement of seeing the GP was heightened only by the fact that this was my first appointment at my NEW doctors! Oh joy! I was going along to try and get someone to please refer my high pressured eyeballs to someone who knows about such things...it's only taken me 6 weeks...still best not to rush these things at my age.

So, I wandered in and stood aimlessly looking at the empty and vast reception desk. I also looked at the crowds of receptionists sitting in the back area who clearly had no intention of doing anything. Hmmmm

And then I saw the self serve check in. Very high tech. My old doctors required you queueing to announce your attendance but often the queue was so long you'd be ten minutes late for the bloody apppointment and be made to rebook...

So I was impressed.

I then sat down to wait and started to contemplate the feng shui of waiting rooms. I did this because this one was arranged in rows, like a cinema, and everyone sat watching the digital display on a far away wall that rolled on with its messages....everyone by the way was about 85.It was like a bizarre theatre of the ill.

The messages were quite interesting

'1301 appointments were missed in 2008' Not me I thought, didn't live here then must be you lot.Shame on you.

'216 appointments were missed in November 2008' Everyone looked, blinked, looked down again, it was like a kind of appointment missing brainwashing class.

The next one was a bit more upbeat

'Free condoms are available' But only if you haven't missed any appointments presumably. And probably not much use to most of the visitors I could see in there.

Then we had
'Please don't take it out on reception if the duty doctor is running late'

Blimey, did they mean people actually attack the desk? Cos there ain't noone there that I can see!

And then...then...it flashed up

Mrs Julia ** * Dr Hodgson room 3' Everyone looked, I was relieved it didn't spell out the reason for my visit ' Dodgy balls' or something. All rather disturbing. Not sure I want everyone in there knowing my exact name and maritaL status. But it was too late to argue ...I then went through the big door and was immediately lost in a maze of rooms and numbers thatvwere like something out of charlie and the chocolate factory (except for the choccie) And either I was going mad or the corridor did actually stretch and I was getting bigger as it got smaller. Dr Hodgson, Dr Lane, Dr Amazon (sounded hunky) Dr Depp (just kidding) and on it went. Hundreds and hundreds of rooms with doctors in them.

I forgot where I was meant to be

'Lost?' This was, in the half hour I had been there, the first time another human had spoken. It quite threw me

'Er yes, gosh isn't it huge?'

Probably not the thing to say to Dr Small admittedly but I was lost. At my old place it was all very different, two doctors if there was an ebola outbreak and that was your lot.

I found my lovely Doctor at the back of the maze. She referred me to someone in Hitchin, she thinks I won't die from glaucoma this New year, all is well.

So the whole point of childhood, to sane people, is that it isn't adulthood. There's no tax, no nasty stuff, no famine or disease, no X Factor. But to other less sane people childhood is an opportunity to vent their own anguish/neurosis.

Happy Xmas by the way.

So at my play a couple of weeks back (it went fine thanks - no prompts just one wardrobe malfunction which rendered me unable to turn my back on the audience) I bumped into an old acquaintance.

'Jules! You were amazing!'

'Sarah! Blimey! It's been years! (since you tried to seduce me in a bizarre evening I've been blotting out for the last 13 years)

'Jules I have a baby now!'

Thank god I thought. You've obviously discovered that boy bits are more entertaining than mine....I'm still in counselling from that unfortunate lunge in the Hare and Hounds.

'Wow! Really? Pink or blue?!'

And so on - it was pink - Tallulah or something achingly chavvy, I admitted to having two babies of my own called achingly uncool names and so we quickly progressed onto the whole xmas presents business

A serious expression crossed her face.

'Jules - tell me you haven't lied to your sons'

I thought about this...there was the time I told them the police had installed CCTV in their bedrooms, oh and the time I told them if they moved while the roof was down in my car they'd fall out....but no....not really a parental liar

'I dont quite follow'

'All that Santa crap. Tell me you haven't lied to them'

'Er, well they believe in him if that's what you mean' This was worse than the clumsy attempt at a snog that only a well-timed fag saved me from....

'Julesyyyyy, how could you? I've told Tallulah how it is. Mummy and Daddy buy her presents'

'Oh. How nice. How old is she?'

'32 months'

I hate parents that do that - my maths isn't good enough - at 12 months they become one why can't everyone agree on that?

'Oh. So no santa then?'

'No - I could never let my daughter suffer the trauma I did when I found out my parents had lied to me - it's abuse'

'Really? What about the tooth fairy?'

I was by now quite annoyed

'Come on Julesyyyy;

'That's Julia actually'

'Juliaaaaa - it's all lies. you should tell them the truth. My god, an intelligent woman like you subscribing to all that crap'

I seethed a bit, and then asked her if she also subscribed to the school of thought that childhood immunisations were a bad idea. I did this because I came across someone whom I'd credited with some intelligence as having 3 daughters who aren't immunised against ANYTHING because it's all a cosmic conspiracy and wearing recycled knickers would protect them against polio, tetanus, meningitis...pretty much anything.

'Well now you mention it, I don't want Tallulah growing up thinking drugs are the answer'

I took a deep breath.

'Then I'm afraid, lovely as she undoubtedly is, I want your poor neglected daughter nowhere near my sons. You see, I think childhood is all about fantasy and being a kid, and I think my job is to keep the world of adults away from them for as long as I can. They have been immunised, they have been lied to, they are safe little boys who live in the world I create for them. '

'Julesyy...are you saying you don't want a new year playdate? I have my blackberry on me to arrange a time'

' I think that's what I'm saying'