So the whole point of childhood, to sane people, is that it isn't adulthood. There's no tax, no nasty stuff, no famine or disease, no X Factor. But to other less sane people childhood is an opportunity to vent their own anguish/neurosis.

Happy Xmas by the way.

So at my play a couple of weeks back (it went fine thanks - no prompts just one wardrobe malfunction which rendered me unable to turn my back on the audience) I bumped into an old acquaintance.

'Jules! You were amazing!'

'Sarah! Blimey! It's been years! (since you tried to seduce me in a bizarre evening I've been blotting out for the last 13 years)

'Jules I have a baby now!'

Thank god I thought. You've obviously discovered that boy bits are more entertaining than mine....I'm still in counselling from that unfortunate lunge in the Hare and Hounds.

'Wow! Really? Pink or blue?!'

And so on - it was pink - Tallulah or something achingly chavvy, I admitted to having two babies of my own called achingly uncool names and so we quickly progressed onto the whole xmas presents business

A serious expression crossed her face.

'Jules - tell me you haven't lied to your sons'

I thought about this...there was the time I told them the police had installed CCTV in their bedrooms, oh and the time I told them if they moved while the roof was down in my car they'd fall out....but no....not really a parental liar

'I dont quite follow'

'All that Santa crap. Tell me you haven't lied to them'

'Er, well they believe in him if that's what you mean' This was worse than the clumsy attempt at a snog that only a well-timed fag saved me from....

'Julesyyyyy, how could you? I've told Tallulah how it is. Mummy and Daddy buy her presents'

'Oh. How nice. How old is she?'

'32 months'

I hate parents that do that - my maths isn't good enough - at 12 months they become one why can't everyone agree on that?

'Oh. So no santa then?'

'No - I could never let my daughter suffer the trauma I did when I found out my parents had lied to me - it's abuse'

'Really? What about the tooth fairy?'

I was by now quite annoyed

'Come on Julesyyyy;

'That's Julia actually'

'Juliaaaaa - it's all lies. you should tell them the truth. My god, an intelligent woman like you subscribing to all that crap'

I seethed a bit, and then asked her if she also subscribed to the school of thought that childhood immunisations were a bad idea. I did this because I came across someone whom I'd credited with some intelligence as having 3 daughters who aren't immunised against ANYTHING because it's all a cosmic conspiracy and wearing recycled knickers would protect them against polio, tetanus, meningitis...pretty much anything.

'Well now you mention it, I don't want Tallulah growing up thinking drugs are the answer'

I took a deep breath.

'Then I'm afraid, lovely as she undoubtedly is, I want your poor neglected daughter nowhere near my sons. You see, I think childhood is all about fantasy and being a kid, and I think my job is to keep the world of adults away from them for as long as I can. They have been immunised, they have been lied to, they are safe little boys who live in the world I create for them. '

'Julesyy...are you saying you don't want a new year playdate? I have my blackberry on me to arrange a time'

' I think that's what I'm saying'